June 18, 2004
WASHINGTON, DC – President Bush disputed today that the world is round, contradicting centuries of evidence supporting the Earth’s spherical shape.
President Bush made the assertion in defense of the controversial anti-ballistic missile program proposed by his administration.
"We need a missile program to defend us against the threats that we can’t see. There’s a lot of threats out there that we can’t see because the world is flat and they’re too far away," said President Bush at a high school graduation speech in Florida. "And besides, just look at it. Does it look like we’re sitting on hill to you?" he said to laughter and applause.
Vice President Cheney made a similar assertion at a campaign fund-raiser in Texas. "There is no clear indication that the world is completely round," he said, "so there can be no such thing as global warming." He went on the dismiss the phenomenon as the work of "alarmist scientists."
When told the assertion had been debunked by the explorer Christopher Columbus with the first trans-Atlantic sailing to America in 1492, the President dismissively designated the historic explorer an "unlawful enemy combatant" with links to the terrorist group al-Qaida.
Vice President Cheney supported the assertion, claiming, "We have evidence of the participation of Portugal in a the trans-Atlantic smuggling of nuclear arms via three ships, namely the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria." He added, "We must face the threat posed by the rogue state that is 15th century Portugal."
The CIA and FBI have yet to comment on such a link. It is, however, unlikely since the CIA’s history of the terrorist group is traced back only the to the late twentieth century, nearly 500 years after the explorer’s death.
The Vice President also echoed the President’s defense of an anti-ballistic missile system: "We need a missile system in place that will protect us from the threat posed by wooden sailing vessels."
The President also dismissed claims that the spherical nature of the Earth had been proven by science with such advances as orbital space travel and geosynchronous satellites. He stated that he turns to his faith for guidance on such matters, appealing to "a higher power" when addressing questions posed by science.
reported in jest by John Eischeid