May 14, 2003
WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House today announced a "victory" in the war on terror, as it unveiled evidence that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were linked to the weapons of mass destruction once harbored by Saddam Hussein. While the President divulged few details in a press conference this afternoon, he did say that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy had been illicitly dealing with the "evil regime."
Director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, Vice Adm. Lowell Jacoby, claims that there is no direct link, but he believes "the North Pole is harboring weapons-grade uranium disguised as festively-wrapped Christmas gifts."
Jacoby also said that the compound harboring the weapons is protected by elfin guards, clearly in violation of international child-labor laws.
The exact role of the Tooth Fairy remains unclear, but President George W. Bush stated in a separate press conference that the Fairy is believed to have aided in the negotiation and transfer of weapons of mass destruction through various multi-national corporate entities.
The President also said that the Tooth Fairy had been compensated "greatly," having been apprehended crossing the Iraqi border with Syria with an usually large amount of small bills.
Jacoby reported that President Bush's name was listed on Santa's "Naughty" list, offering further proof that the spreader of yuletide cheer was conspiring with the former dictator.
Mr. Bush, in the question-and-answer session after the morning cabinet meeting, also seemed to take issue with a report today in the New York Times that two high-ranking members of Al Queda had told their American interrogators that contrary to the administration's repeated assertions, there was no link between the Baghdad rulers, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
George Tenet, director of the CIA, declined to confirm or deny the alleged connection.
reported in jest by John Eischeid