April 2, 2003
New York, NY -- War protesters today gave President George W. Bush forty-eight hours to leave office or face "serious consequences." The request came during an anti-war march that stretched from Times Square in midtown to Washington Square in downtown.
The call marked a new doctrine of "preemptive voting action," in which voting citizens have the right and the duty to call for a president's ouster before scheduled elections. "To wait for an election," said one protester, "would be suicide."
After a tumultuous election marked by an historic Supreme Court case, voters against the war took one giant step in the evolution of democracy. The new doctrine shows voters' will to determine when elections are necessary and to enact them with force in order to prevent the spread of blatantly unilateral foreign policy, even if the United Nations fails to do so.
Some of the "serious consequences" are said to include full disclosure of notes and minutes of meetings held between Vice President Dick Chaney and executives of the now defunct and scandalous Enron Corp., counting all dimpled chads from the 2000 election ballots in Florida, and disclosure of all documents relating to the qualifications for voting and voting practices in the 2000 elections.
The request of the protesters is without precedent and without governing law to support it. "It doesn't make a difference what the law says. It's George Bush we're talking about," said William Markel, 29, of East Orange, New Jersey
Carrying posters that read "Regime Change Begins at Home" and "Democracy Not Empire," the protesters made clear their desire to oust the President from power. "George W. Bush is clearly a threat to world peace," said one anonymous protester.
The march marked a rupture in communication between the President and reasonable, peaceful Americans. The ultimatum confirmed the President's worst fear: that a large amount of the voting American public might not vote for him again. The call for immediate dismissal of the President has created new, unforeseen political hurdles for the upcoming 2004 election.
The ultimatum delivered to the President has pleased Democrats, who hope to regain control of the White House in the upcoming election. "SAAAA-weeeeeeeeeeeet!" said Tom Daschle upon hearing the news.
Reported in jest by John Eischeid