May 23, 2003
GLACIER NATIONAL PARK, MT – A group of vegan hikers was mauled by a bear and then attacked by wolves yesterday. All of the three hikers were injured, but all luckily escaped the incident with only minor wounds.
The bear and the wolves were later apprehended after fleeing the scene of the crime. They are being held in custody until their arraignment later this week.
Investigators from the National Park Service say that the incident began when the bear was attracted to the hikers’ sweet-smelling organic trail mix. The bear approached Cynthia Jackson and it was then that the mauling began, according to the hiker’s own reports.
The mauling lasted only a few minutes, but the smell of the injured hikers’ blood attracted a pack of wolves, investigators say. The hikers scrambled to safety on the tops of nearby rocks before suffering any major injuries, according to their own reports.
While the hikers are relieved to have escaped with comparatively minor injuries, the incident prompted some of the hikers to reevaluate their philosophy regarding animals. "I had respect for all of nature’s creatures," said David "Love Moon" Powell, "until one of them bit me."
"I just don’t know why these bears and wolves can’t love all of nature’s creatures, like we do," said Judith Terry, a hiker in the group and staunch environmentalist. "But after this, who cares? These puncture wounds hurt!"
"Those wolves descended upon us vegans in bloodlust," said Lucas "Sunshine" Holland, "You can keep all that soy, nuts and berries crap. I’m all about some steak. Actually, bear meat sounds pretty good right about now. I wanna fillet that sucka. And it’s ‘Luke’ from now on."
Jonny Canroch, attorney for the bear and the wolves, claims that the charges are a fabrication.
"There is no truth in these charges. My clients were simply trying to find something to eat in this society that oppresses those of the animalistic persuasion," Canroch told reporters this morning.
Neither the bear nor wolves could be reached for comment.
reported in jest by John Eischeid