Reindeer Taken Hostage
December 25, 2003
NEW YORK, NY -- Santa Claus was attacked last night while performing his traditional duty of delivering toys to good boys and girls and coal to the bad ones on Christmas Eve. His assailants rode off on his sleigh, while taking his reindeer as de facto hostages in the heist, only to squander the magical vehicle after unloading its contents.
Witnesses said that the sleigh was surrounded by four heavily-clothed, masked males of indeterminate age. “Ho, ho, ho, Fat Boy!” one assailant allegedly screamed. They then forcefully removed the jolly harbinger of Christmas and rode off into the night to the tune of Run-DMC’s classic holiday hit, “Christmas in Hollis.”
The reindeer and the sleigh were later found unharmed approximately two miles from the scene of the crime, over the river and through the woods. The reindeer said that their assailants spoke mostly of cash and drugs, an official close to the investigation said. The reindeer also said that the assailants appeared to by highly intoxicated, the official added.
While there is no official estimate as to the value of goods stolen, police said only that the street value of the goods was “very high,” given the high ratio of good children to bad children this year. “But don’t worry,” said Police Commissioner Doug Knutt, “there was some coal in there too for all those delinquents at the juvenile detention center.”
“To all those bad boyz out there, I know who you are, and you’re getting more than coal next year,” Santa told reporters after the incident. “I gonna sick my elves on ya'll, and they ain’t always so merry!”
Despite his threats, the spreader of yuletide cheer was cooperating fully with the investigation, police officials said.
Reported in jest by John Eischeid