July 15, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC – Democrats expressed dismay today over evidence that links top Republican political strategist Karl Rove to an incident in which hundreds of Kindergartners were traumatically informed that Santa Claus, the spreader of yuletide cheer and holiday gifts, does not exist.
The incident allegedly occurred after Rove visited a group of students at Shady McCracken Elementary School for a reading session and a brief introduction to divisive politics. After the lesson, Rove was left in the classroom alone. According to witnesses, the statements "Santa’s a fraud. He’s really your parents," were scrawled on the chalk board when he left, in plain view of Mrs. Beverly Johnston’s Kindergarten class as it returned from recess.
No one was seen entering of leaving the room during that time.
"It’s a disaster. The children’s whole world view has been shattered," said Mrs. Johnston of the incident at Shady McCracken. "They no longer have a role model for benevolence, and I don’t have any lumps of coal to hang over their heads when they act up. I don’t think Karl Rove realizes what he’s done to Shady McCracken Elementary."
"Karl Rove has ruined Christmas. He should be fired," said Senator John Kerry at a press conference regarding the issue.
"I’m nodding," said Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, taking the podium immediately after Kerry.
"This is nothing but a partisan attack. Democrats hate Christmas,"responded Rove’s attorney, adding that Rove would not comment on the issue.
Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee requested that Mr. Bush revoke Mr. Rove's privilege to send Christmas cards this holiday season. "It’s clear that he has no respect for the holiday season, and our nation’s greeting card and advertising industries are at risk because of Rove’s actions," said Kerry.
Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald requested that the White House also assist in investigating Rove's attempts to foil other holidays, such as Easter and Halloween. Sources close to the investigation claim that Rove had designs for "character assassination" on such childhood characters as the Tooth Fairy.
"I think the most frightening moment came when one of my brightest students told me that, when he grows up, he wants to be a political strategist that uses the minutia of the law in order to defend his own unscrupulous conduct," said Mrs. Johnston, "But who knows? He could have been talking about Clinton."
reported in jest by John Eischeid