March 17, 2003
President George W. Bush declared war on the United Nations today. The President said that France, Russia, China, Germany and some other Security Council members constituted an “axis of evil” that must be removed from power. The President also said that the only solution to the current crisis is a “regime change” at the United Nations.
“I believe that the United Nations must be removed from power in order to protect American oil interests abroad. I believe that the Iraqi people have a right to freedom and we have a right to their oil,” said the President.
“The inspections are not turning over Iraqi oil to American businesses. It is clear that they are not working,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell in a description of the reason to go to war.
“The President will give the United Nations an ultimatum, in which it will be removed from power and denied legitimacy,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. Fleischer refused to comment when told that the statement did not constitute an ultimatum since it leaves only one option.
“In removing Hussein from power, his tentative contracts with businesses in France and China will have no future, leaving the room for new negotiations with a provisional government. Corporations from the U.S. and Britain will be the first in line for 3 to 5 billion dollars worth of contracts if Hussein’s regime is deposed,” said one anonymous official in the administration.
“Of course the French don’t want to go to war. We can make a lot of money if Hussein stays in power,” said Jean Marc de la Sabliere, French Ambassador to the United Nations. He then added, “Yeah, that’s right. I said it! French businesses can get paid!” referring to what would happen if Hussein stayed in power.
“Dude, we are soooo with France on this one,” said China's foreign minister Li Zhaoxing.
This morning, employees evacuated the United Nations building in New York City, sending a clear indication that attack is imminent. Reporters have also left the New York City area, fearing that they might become trapped once an offensive begins.
“I would like the boys at Haliburton – um, I mean our soldiers deployed overseas – that we are behind them,” the President said in attempt to show support. Exactly who he is supporting remains unclear.
reported in jest by John Eischeid
NOTES: All the figures about post-war contracts are true. See the front page of the Daily Press for Saturday, March 15, 2003, page A1, and today’s Wall Street Journal, page A1.