Rules of Grammar Posed “Grave Threat” to President’s Ability to Communicate
January 29, 2003
WASHINGTON, DC – The President last night correctly delivered the State of the Union Address. Critics and grammarians agree that the address was free of gross errors of syntax. Citizens actually understood.
The speech was a landmark for a president whose grammar has often left his own constituents confused, frustrated and simply pissed. The speech addressed concerns here in the States and concerns abroad, but the most startling feature of the address was that the audience found it intelligible.
“I can find no major errors of grammar,” said H.L. Mencken, the infamous grammarian, “but his style was the worst. My aunt is more intelligible without her dentures.”
“I never had any idea what he was saying,” said Ira D. Tall, a high-school educated legal assistant in New York City. “But last night, I heard for the first time a clear message,” she said, “and I don’t think I agree.”
“I think that Bush follows his own rules; on foreign policy, on the economy, on grammar. My four-year-old daughter and I had begun to call his language ‘Bush-ese,’” said Howard Learner, a college-educated stock-broker. “But last night, I was disappointed. I had to explain to my daughter why Mr. President wasn’t saying anything funny. That was a let-down,” he said.
The President startled his audience with this usually long salutation: “Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens and fellow citizens, every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the union.” Such long and correct streams of verbiage were previously unheard of from a president who has become famous for malapropisms such as “Is our children being educated?”
The President continued his verbal assault with complicated structures, such as clauses, and an unprecedented use of the colon: “Americans are doing the work of compassion every day: visiting prisoners, providing shelter for battered women, bringing companionship to lonely seniors.”
However, some critics claim that the speech demonstrated no mastery of the English language since the address was mainly simple statements, such as “We will prevail,” “We will go forward with confidence,” and “We will rid the world of terror.”
“I think it was a cop-out,” said Mencken. “He knew his limits, and he obeyed them,” he said of the President’s linguistic strategy.
In the Democratic response to the address, Gov. Gary Locke (D-Wash.) hailed the President’s new grasp of the English language and lauded his new policy of commanding the spoken word. “Americans everywhere have the right to enjoy language that is free from errors and, perhaps, clear and concise,” Locke said.
Reported in jest by John Eischeid