February 4, 2003
NEW YORK, NY – A Manhattan billionaire announced today plans to clone himself. Mr. Son Bene held a press conference this afternoon, revealing his plans to spend “whatever it takes” to produce an exact genetic replica of himself.
The billionaire granted interviews to anyone and everyone who would listen. In them, he stated numerous motives, all of which centered on his own desires, wants and needs.
"Don't I look fabulous. Look at this chest. Isn't it fabulous. Look at these loins. Aren't they fabulous," he said as he revealed the respective parts of his body to surprised on-lookers at the press conference. "I think the world needs more people like me," he added, "Don't you agree? Just look at all THIS!"
"My ex-wife wanted to have children, but I couldn't bear the thought of my offspring having half of her genes, or anyone else's for that matter," he said in a private interview about himself, himself and himself.
“Mirrors are just SO five minutes ago. Why look at my reflection when I can have the real thing, in the flesh. I was such a cute baby. I want a little one of me all for myself,” he said.
The billionaire has attempted acting, modeling, writing and directing. He even attempted to start a dot-com during the height of the internet bubble. He has allegedly meet little success in all of these ventures and claims that such failures were caused by those around him.
“They were fools, all of them,” he said of his former co-workers and business partners. "I want to clone myself because I am the only person who is worth working with. Everyone else is a waste of my time," he said.
While Bene revealed no timetable for the project, experts said it could take years or decades. There is even the possibility that a clone will not be produced during Bene’s current lifetime. In such a case, he said, his body will be frozen until “medical science can catch up with God’s finest creation,” said Bene.
The announcement also raised an ethical concern. “I hope he doesn’t succeed,” said Dr. I.M. Quack, bioethics expert on human cloning, “We just don’t need more jerks like this guy.”
Reported in jest by John Eischeid