April 3, 2003
After the successful passing and implementation of his controversial prohibition on smoking in New York City bars and restaurants, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced yesterday his new legislative initiative targeting fun.
"I think that the only way to make for a more productive city is to deprive all New Yorkers of unnecessary distractions, such as smoking, drinking, laughing, socializing and all other manners of stress relief," the mayor said. “As New Yorkers, we all have a right to a productive work environment, free from unnecessary distractions, such as fun.”
"The rationale behind my anti-smoking legislation is simple and it will work: Let's drive hoards of people suffering from nicotine withdrawal onto sidewalks that are already overcrowded with hasty, irritable New Yorkers," the mayor said of his anti-smoking campaign. "This will truly improve the quality of work produced by all New Yorkers. I think the same is true regarding fun," he added. “If we deprive people of simple freedoms, they will have no choice but to work more.”
The most striking aspect of the mayor's package is a heavy tax on all alcoholic beverages, which the mayor claims are closely associated with fun. The mayor denies he is speaking from his own experience and justifies the tax with the "fun-to-alcohol function," an unproven and controversial empirical formula that attempts to quantify the relationship between the mount of alcohol consumed and the amount of fun had by the consumer.
Other key aspects of the legislation will be stricter laws regarding noise and curfews, the mayor said. "If you're not on your way home from work, you shouldn't be out past ten in the evening," he added.
At a time when the city is facing heavy budget constraints, the mayor said that the anti-fun legislation would pay for itself through fines and the proposed tax on alcohol. The mayor also said that the legislation was worth any potential cost to education, law enforcement and even finances for the fire department. "Fun poses the single greatest risk to this city," he said.
The announcement drew immediate fire from members of the leisure industry, particularly owners of bars, clubs, music venues and theaters. They claim that the legislation threatens their livelihood and could ultimately harm New York City’s entertainment-heavy economy.
"This sucks," said one anonymous New York City club owner, “I might as well file for bankruptcy now, because I won’t have a livelihood in a few years.”
"This sucks bad," said B.B. Stone, a bartender in lower-Manhattan, “What a buzz kill.”
One anonymous Broadway actor said, “This means that we’ll have to have our shows over by ten, and send our audience home without a smile and obviously unhappy. That’s not much of a show. I just feel so un-fabulous, right now, let me just tell you.”
With furrowed brow, the mayor ended the press conference abruptly, saying he had to return to work, so that he could make an appointment for a root canal that afternoon.
reported in jest by John Eischeid
(NOTE: The alcohol tax really is a possibility. Props to my sis Anne on the "fun-to-alcohol function.")