SUBURBIA, USA - A local man is attempting to set a world record for the Biggest Waste of Time.
"I haven’t done anything in years," said I.P. Freely, sitting among the detritus of unfinished projects, dead-end hobbies, and hopeless endeavors. "Forty-nine years, five months, 13 days, and 4 hours, to be exact," he added, checking his watch.
The current record is forty-nine years, six months, 2 days, and 2 hours, set by Ian Wurfless, who expired from boredom and just overall malaise at the age of sixty, in 1982.
"He’s totally worthless. I am so proud," said Freely’s wife, Ms. Freely. "He just sits there in the chair most days, watching talk shows and Fox News. Sometimes he gets drunk and drools on himself. It’s so cute. People don’t give him enough credit, you know. Doing nothing is hard work."
"I am hoping that my endeavor will be remembered for the ages, along with the World’s Largest Popsickle, the World’s Biggest Hot Tub, and VH1's Top 100 Hottest Celebrity Moments," said Freely of his effort or, rather, his highly focused lack thereof.
Freely has no plans for what to do after he sets the record. "Well," he said, "Making plans is doing something, and just can't do that right now. Now, get out of here. You make me talk too much."
Reported in jest by John Eischeid
(For my new coworker, Stacey Lager)