DENVER, Co. – In a final push in the run for president, candidate John Kerry attacked Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition yesterday. The assault consisted of numerous fronts, consisting of stressors, anxiety and weapons of mass defibrillation, namely steak, eggs and bacon.
An anonymous source at the Kerry campaign said that the tactics would also be "to assault on the Bush administration's policies and to generally just get on their nerves."
Speaking at a rally in Colorado, Kerry stated, "My heart goes out to the Vice President for accepting his lesbian daughter, his lesbian daughter who enjoys intimate relations with other women." Kerry’s comments reiterated a reference made by him during the Presidential debates.
Kerry continued, "You know, that Halliburton stock fell a little because of the losses the experienced as the result of an asbestos settlement. Dick Cheney owns a lot of that stock."
Vice President Cheney responded quickly at a campaign rally in Ohio later in the day: "This is proof that John Kerry will say anything to get ele . . . uh! I am feeling short of breath!" The Vice President was then escorted offstage. His campaign denies that the Vice President is experiencing any adverse health effects and attributes his abrupt exit to the heckling of Kerry supporters in the crowd.
The Kerry campaign denied that it had begun to spread rumors about a supposedly illegitimate son, who is also rumored to be gay, had by Cheney out of wedlock.
The campaign denied also responsibility for pelting the Vice President with Egg McMuffins at a campaign rally earlier this week, despite the fact that some of the muffins were wrapped in satirical wrappers, depicting Kerry as Ronald McDonald, President Bush as the Hamburglar and Vice President Cheney as Grimace. While the campaign does not deny its use of such weapons of mass defibrillation, it had no involvement in this particular incident, a spokesman for the Kerry campaign said.
However, the Kerry campaign does take responsibility for sending Cheney a breakfast every morning, usually consisting of steak, bacon, sausage and eggs. "We simply want to make sure the Vice President is well-fed," said Kerry spokesman Chad Clanton.
An unnamed source in the Kerry campaign said of the attack, "Our biggest hope lies in telling voters the truth and getting them to believe it. That would really get Cheney’s pulse rate going."
reported in jest by John Eischeid