New York, NY – The aisles of drugstores are becoming increasingly crowded as Americans are discovering that hygiene products lead to emotionally fulfilling lives. Acne treatments, shampoos, moisturizers and hair dyes instantly create satisfaction and confidence, numerous Americans contend.
"I started using an hair color for men, and a hot waitress, whom I’ve never even met, licked my hair while I was having brunch," said Biff "Muscles" Studd, amateur weight lifter and full-time "stud." "I feel so confident with my hair that I think I could have sex with anyone. Well, you know, any girl."
"I began using a new shampoo, and now I scream in joy every time I wash my hair," said Mary O’Neil. "My break-up with my boyfriend is so much easier!"
"Once I started using Acny Pads, the girl I had a crush on noticed me. We even went to prom together, and I no longer feel alienated from fun-loving peppy teens with flawless complexions," said Token Hamm, senior at Oak Brooks high school.
"I started using an oil-free facial wash, and now I look just like Kristen Kruek!" said Amy Ne, multi-ethnic teenager.
While many Americans, especially teens, sing the praises of such products, some are dissatisfied with the results.
"I started using compact tampons, and I still feel awkward in social situations. The product really did not give me the confidence I thought it would," said Trisha Forbes, junior at Shady Acres high school.
"I got rid of my acne, but people are still calling me a dork. I just don’t get it," said Ziggy Face, sophmore at Shady Acres high.
No manufacturers of cosmetics and hygiene products have commented on the connections made in their advertisements.
reported in jest by John Eischeid
(NOTE: Thanks to Brady and JJ for the impetus and ideas.)