February 28, 2003
FUNKYTOWN, IRAQ – Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein challenged President George W. Bush to a war with words today. The unprecedented call to verbal arms is a first in the international diplomatic community and has drawn attention in both the international arena and the hip-hop community. The President has yet to respond to Hussein directly.
“Steppin’ up to the Mic,
So let me begin:
I cooperate with the whole U.N.
Ya’ll wanted yo’ inspections, and I let you in.
Ya’ll even snooped around in my basement den,” said
Hussein.
“I dropped my rhymes; that’s what you heard.
Let’s settle this like gents and come with the
words!” Hussein added in a clear verbal challenge to the
President.
“OH SNAP!” United Nations Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix allegedly cried upon hearing an audio broadcast of Hussein's verbal sally. It is unclear whether Blix’s exclamation was in response to Hussein’s lyrical skill or the challenge itself. Blix could not be reached for comment.
The President made a brief statement regarding Hussein’s challenge, but did not address Hussein directly. “I believe ours is a great nation. It is the birthplace of the hip-hop community,” the President said. “I would like to ask all American rappers and MCs to service this county in its time of need,” the President added in a clear call for help in the matter.
The President’s pleas to U.S. citizens drew a rather unanticipated rejection from the world of hip-hop and rap.
“Hels naw, boyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” said Flava Flav, also of Public Enemy, in response to the President. Flav then rolled up a blunt and began smoking it. “Yo, President Bush can inspect dis,” he said, referring the illegal object in his hand.
The challenge drew much attention in the international community as various countries set down in rhyme their support.
“The Revolutionary War is over. Forget it. It’s
dead.
We backin’ Bush while he drops rhymes and bombs on your
head," said Sir Jeremy Greenstock, United Kingdom Ambassador to the UN.
“Yo, Dog! Come wit’ da shizzy!” said U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, thanking the United Kingdom for its support of the States.
In a clear attempt to quell the fervor, Blix fired back with his own
verse:
“Hold up. Stop. Wait just a minute.
Bomb Iraq? Our inspectors are all up in it.
No need to get excited, so ya’ll just chill.
No need to wage war and act all ill.
But if you gots ta drop bombs, you best let me know,
‘Cause I’ll call my boys and say it’s
time to go.”
Members of the hip-hop community also drew a comparison between Hussein’s challenge and the East Coast-West Coast rivalry that dominated that world of rap in the early nineties.
“You thought that 2Pac and Biggie was bad. This right here is international. And when they say they drop bombs, it means they drop BOMBS. I mean bombs – FOR REAL. Ain’t no joke. What’s a nine got on a B-52? Nuthin’, coz. No joke,” said one successful rapper, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The President has yet to set a specific date for his direct response to Hussein, but is expected to shortly. “The President is still committed to disarmament,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. “He is currently weighing his options and will make a reply shortly.”
"Don’t worry – uh, Homie – he gonna come correct,” he added.
Reported in jest by John Eischeid