Key to Campaign Found Hiding Underground
December 16, 2003
OUTSIDE TIKRIT, IRAQ – American forces captured Saddam Hussein Saturday night, securing President George W. Bush’s re-election in 2004. The deposed dictator of Iraq has been a controversial figure in the Bush presidency, and the fugitive’s capture overshadows the administration misrepresentations on the case for the war in Iraq and other short comings.
"Today is a great day for Americans, but it’s a greater day for the Iraqi people and me," the President said in a televised address. "With the capture of Saddam Hussein, the American media will be distracted from recent stories of overcharging by Halliburton subsidiaries. They will probably won’t pay much attention to the Democratic primaries and, best of all, the fact that no weapons of mass destruction have been found. I was able to backpeddle on a grave issue of national security, and it wasn’t even on the front page! It was buried on page A18."
When the President was told of the positive identification of Hussein on Sunday, he allegedly cried, "WOO HOO IN 2004, BABY! YEAH!" according to aides and staff members who spoke on condition of anonymity. He then slapped "high fives" with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Vice President Dick Chaney, who both responded "WOO WOO WOO!"
Hussein was found with a pistol, two rifles, 750,000 in cash of American currency and a compact disc of R&B icon Barry White.
"My fellow Americans, you probably don’t even remember that this war was predicated on intelligence known to be false," the President concluded. "Yes!"
reported in jest by John Eischeid